Keeping you abreast of my medical situations

I finally convinced myself that I needed to go to the doctor you know, for the SARS. I called to make my appointment and the receptionist informs me that my regular doc is all booked up. Ooooo-kay, so I offer up my second choice doc. I've seen him before, no biggie aside from the fact that I know some very sordid details of his affair with a few nurses...small town folks. "Um, nope, he's booked too. Dr. Just-graduated has an opening in an hour," chirped the receptionist. "Fine, whatever," was my response. I honestly did not care at this point.

I packed up my book, ensured my iPhone was fully charged and set out for the doctor's office. I was counting on being there AT LEAST 2 1/2 hrs, based on past experiences with this office. They have, and I'm not exaggerating here, 3 different waiting rooms. If you need x-rays or blood work, you get another waiting room on top of that.

I went to sign in on the little clipboard (do you have those at your doctor's office? They have like two or three clipboards with the doctor's names on top? You're supposed to sign in on the corresponding clipboard) and I did not see the name the lady had given me over the phone. "Um, excuse me, where is Dr. Just-graduated's clipboard?"

"Ya know, we haven't added him yet. Just sign in anywhere." So I did and sat down in waiting room #1. I didn't even have a chance to pull out my book before I could feel the beginnings of an asthma attack. GREAT. I debated whether or not to run outside so as not to hack up a lung on the 5 other people in the waiting room. As the uncontrollable coughing and wheezing started to intensify, a nurse popped her head out of the door and beckoned to me. The look on my face was one of "Who, me?!"

She proceeded to weigh me and take my blood pressure as I gasped for air. What a twit. So now I'm struggling for air, depressed about the number on the scale , and the damn pressure cuff is about to cut my arm off.

"Oh my, your blood pressure is HIGH!" Gee, ya think genius?!

I expected to go to waiting room #2, but much to my surprise I was placed in the closest exam room! Sweet! I'll be outta here in no time!!

I was only about 2 pages in to the next chapter of my book when the door swung open. In swooped this tall, but very young looking, kinda handsome, doctor. I almost asked to see his ID. Dude couldn't have been much older than me, IF that. Man. Even more depressed. He introduces himself and starts the usual, "So what can I do for you today?" I explained about how my asthma was flaring up and the chest cold, blah, blah, blah. He slaps on his stethoscope and presses it to my back, "Deep breaths."

So you know the drill with that one right? They listen in several places on the back then several on the front? Yeah well, not so much. He auscultated my back (that's fancy medical speak for listening), came around for the front, reached out, apparently got really scared, and rushed out of the office. Yes, I have big boobs. YES, I was wearing a clingy sweater. But come on! He's a friggen doctor! Someone watch too many special movies while in his hotel room? He finally came back in and checked my throat.

His only words to me from that point on were "Wow, that's some yucky stuff you have dripping down your throat." Thanks for that lovely little observation. He scribbled on a piece of paper and extended his arm WAAAAY far away from himself with the prescription. It was like I had the plague, or SARS, or worse yet, BOOOBS.

He hurried out the door and as I reached for the door to leave, it opened, he tossed in an inhaler and was gone like a flash. Weird. SERIOUS CLARK?! "Christmas Vacation" reference. That guy had better get over his boobie fear otherwise his name will never make it on the clipboards.