Keeping you abreast of my medical situations

I finally convinced myself that I needed to go to the doctor you know, for the SARS. I called to make my appointment and the receptionist informs me that my regular doc is all booked up. Ooooo-kay, so I offer up my second choice doc. I've seen him before, no biggie aside from the fact that I know some very sordid details of his affair with a few nurses...small town folks. "Um, nope, he's booked too. Dr. Just-graduated has an opening in an hour," chirped the receptionist. "Fine, whatever," was my response. I honestly did not care at this point.

I packed up my book, ensured my iPhone was fully charged and set out for the doctor's office. I was counting on being there AT LEAST 2 1/2 hrs, based on past experiences with this office. They have, and I'm not exaggerating here, 3 different waiting rooms. If you need x-rays or blood work, you get another waiting room on top of that.

I went to sign in on the little clipboard (do you have those at your doctor's office? They have like two or three clipboards with the doctor's names on top? You're supposed to sign in on the corresponding clipboard) and I did not see the name the lady had given me over the phone. "Um, excuse me, where is Dr. Just-graduated's clipboard?"

"Ya know, we haven't added him yet. Just sign in anywhere." So I did and sat down in waiting room #1. I didn't even have a chance to pull out my book before I could feel the beginnings of an asthma attack. GREAT. I debated whether or not to run outside so as not to hack up a lung on the 5 other people in the waiting room. As the uncontrollable coughing and wheezing started to intensify, a nurse popped her head out of the door and beckoned to me. The look on my face was one of "Who, me?!"

She proceeded to weigh me and take my blood pressure as I gasped for air. What a twit. So now I'm struggling for air, depressed about the number on the scale , and the damn pressure cuff is about to cut my arm off.

"Oh my, your blood pressure is HIGH!" Gee, ya think genius?!

I expected to go to waiting room #2, but much to my surprise I was placed in the closest exam room! Sweet! I'll be outta here in no time!!

I was only about 2 pages in to the next chapter of my book when the door swung open. In swooped this tall, but very young looking, kinda handsome, doctor. I almost asked to see his ID. Dude couldn't have been much older than me, IF that. Man. Even more depressed. He introduces himself and starts the usual, "So what can I do for you today?" I explained about how my asthma was flaring up and the chest cold, blah, blah, blah. He slaps on his stethoscope and presses it to my back, "Deep breaths."

So you know the drill with that one right? They listen in several places on the back then several on the front? Yeah well, not so much. He auscultated my back (that's fancy medical speak for listening), came around for the front, reached out, apparently got really scared, and rushed out of the office. Yes, I have big boobs. YES, I was wearing a clingy sweater. But come on! He's a friggen doctor! Someone watch too many special movies while in his hotel room? He finally came back in and checked my throat.

His only words to me from that point on were "Wow, that's some yucky stuff you have dripping down your throat." Thanks for that lovely little observation. He scribbled on a piece of paper and extended his arm WAAAAY far away from himself with the prescription. It was like I had the plague, or SARS, or worse yet, BOOOBS.

He hurried out the door and as I reached for the door to leave, it opened, he tossed in an inhaler and was gone like a flash. Weird. SERIOUS CLARK?! "Christmas Vacation" reference. That guy had better get over his boobie fear otherwise his name will never make it on the clipboards.

Epidemics R Us

Swine flu is SOOO last month. I think I am single-handedly bringing back the SARS epidemic. Remember that one? When was that, 2003? So yeah, bringin' that back.

Hey look! This Newsweek cover looks a lot like my picture from the Swine Flu mask post!!

I probably, technically, don't have SARS, but dang! I do recall an instance back in 2003 (The Dude was in Iraq) when I was taken via ambulance to the hospital due to a bad asthma attack. The SARS epidemic was in full swing. I was asked SEVERAL times if I had recently traveled to China. Yes, the ER staff thought I had SARS!! Anyway, yeah, feel and sound the same as I did back then. It was so bad they nearly brought The Dude home from Iraq, but I insisted he stay. I realize that comes off as sounding exceedingly strange, but I knew he was torn between coming home to be with me or staying with his guys. I was fine, really, so there was no need for him to go through the guilt/crap of leaving his unit out there.



I was planning on making a doctor's appointment for myself first thing when I got into work....I was too slow to the draw. BOTH of my bosses had already made themselves appointments for this morning, so I will have to wait till tomorrow.



Say friends, who noticed my fancy-shmancy new header?! Heck yeah man! April, over at April Showers did the custom illustration and header for me. Pretty sweet, no?! I'm loving how the cartoon image of me is thin. That is the best weight loss program I have ever used!! Stick around, my blog will soon have other cosmetic procedures done in the near-ish future.

I love the smell of beer in the morning

First question: Why was Mamma Ducky up at 6 am on a Saturday?
Second question: Why did Mamma Ducky crack open a beer at 6:15am?
Answer to question 2, see question 1.
I'm kidding, of course.
I needed to open the beer and let it set so it could warm up.
The other day The Dude's Dad wanted one of his Mamma's old recipes so The Dude's Aunt, Fifi, dug out the extremely tattered and worn recipe book. My eyes lit up like a 50 million candle watt light (I know what that looks like cuz we totally own one....or two). I had never heard mention of such a book but was super eager to get my hands on it. They did try to keep it from me, not sure why, but I won that battle.
The first recipe in the book was for modifying boxed biscuit mix. Didn't sound too exciting, but I copied it anyway.
This morning I woke up at 6-friggen-A-M for some unknown reason. As I sat in The Dude's big comfy chair wondering what I was to do in a completely silent house this early, the biscuit recipe popped to mind.
I went to the extra fridge and pulled out a cold one and considered downing it popped it open. Poured it into the measuring cup and turned on the oven.

The results were friggen astounding!! Those were the tastiest, most tender biscuits I have ever eaten. No. Seriously. Would I lie to you? Don't answer that.

Here's what ya need:

2 1/4 cups of your preferred biscuit mix

6 oz room temp beer

1 1/2 T sugar, dissolved into beer

As I said, set the beer out while the oven preheats (preheat your oven to 450 degrees), dissolve the sugar into it. Mix the beer into the mix. If it's too sticky, add a bit more mix. Dump it out onto a flat surface for kneading and knead it a few times. Roll the dough to about 1/2 inch thickness and cut out biscuits. Lay on baking sheet, close enough that the edges touch each other. Bake for 7-10 minutes. Done and doner!

Woot! Woot!!

Holla!!! Guess what?! I'm the guest blogger over at my girl, The Rambler's place today!!! How excited and honored am I? I'll tell ya how much...A LOT!! If you've never checked out her blog, My Rambling Thoughts, please take a second to do so. Thursdays are always fun days because she has her "Think About It Thursdays" with fun, thought provoking questions.

She is the only person I know that LEAVES paradise to go on vacation! I know, right?!

So now, my little "I'm Famous" thing over there ---->

is true, cuz who doesn't read Rambler's blog?! You are now in the presence of greatness, he he he. My modesty astounds you, no??

If all of that hasn't enticed you to visit her blog how about the knowledge that my post is a recipe for a Banana Split Pie. NUM-YUMMY!

**Please note, my ego will return to its normal size tomorrow**

Seriously, though, why are you still here?! Hurry now, over to Rambler's blog!!!

I've learned a new language

Ok, so it probably doesn't qualify as an actual language. More like words and phrases I've picked up since moving here. In all honesty, I still have a difficult time understanding what some people say around here. People from "down da bayou," well, you can just forget about it. Smile and nod is about all I can muster. I always think back to that scene in "Finding Nemo" where Squirt is trying to instruct Marlin on having a safe jump.

Yeah, yeah. Like that, only not as cute.

So, allow me to teach you some common terms used down here in South Louisiana let's all say a prayer that I'm not thrown out of the state for teasing.

Aw, sha/Aw, che/Aw, cher (sha is pronounced with a short "a" sound): this is a term of endearment. Usually used when something is cute or precious. I'm guessing it comes from the French phrase Mon Cherie which means my darling. When one looks at a new baby or someone's baby pictures you'll often here that simple comment: "Aw, sha." Some people go further with "Sha bebe" or "Sha tu-tu" "Sha tatootsie." I don't know what any of those extras mean or if they're just added gibberish. My guess is the latter.

Lagniappe (lann-yap): it actually refers to a small gift or gratuity added by a merchant when someone makes a purchase. Kinda like a 13th donut when ordering a dozen. Around here it just refers to "something extra." Example: "Ya got a little lagniappe there on ya face" used when someone has a crumb or smudge on their face. OR "I put a little lagniappe in the card for ya" when a little something extra, like money, was place in a card.

Making groceries: grocery shopping. "Hey, I'm goin' make groceries. Ya need anything?" No, I'm not kidding.

Saving groceries: putting your groceries away. "Gotta get home and save ma groceries." Again, I'm not kidding here people!!

Hose pipe: hose, of the garden variety. Why add the extra word? I dunno, but people around here look at me funny when I just say hose.

School Bag: The Dude seriously didn't know what I was talking about when I asked where his backpack was.

Frissons (free-zons): chills/shivers. "Wooo! Dat gave me da frissons!"

Envie (Ohn-vee): a craving. "Man, I gots me an envie for some crawfish!" not me though, gross.

Boucherie (BOO sher ee): basically a pig roast

Parish: county. yeah, we don't have counties around here. Weird, I know.

"Are you getting down?": Are you getting out of the car?

Boude (boo-day): to pout, or be angry. "He bouded all day long because he couldn't go fishing."

Boo: honey, sweetheart. "Hey Boo, what's for supper?"

Coulon (coo-yon): stupid or foolish person. "Look at dat coulon over dere."

Make do-do: to take a nap. "Come on y'all. Time to go make do-do."

My-nez: this is actually just how they pronounce the word mayonnaise. First time I heard it, I just had a blank stare and leaned over to ask The Dude what the hell his Dad was asking me from me.

Rodee(row-day): to go for a ride, run the roads. "I'mma go rodee, wanna come?"

T: Little. T is placed in front of any name to signify a son/junior. "Aw, look at little T-Nick." No kidding, some people are listed in the phone book as T-so-and-so.

Seriously, this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many more that I simply cannot spell or have no earthly idea what they mean. My apologizes to my cajun readers, but you must realize some of the terminology is hilarious, right?

Ok, so you're all set for a visit to Louisiana. Come on down and set a spell.

Mornings just ain't my thang.

This morning as I was dropping my little people off at the sitter's house is the term "little people" politically correct? Do I give a crap? she notes that Twin B has two left shoes on. "Hey, do you have an extra pair of shoes in the car? She's got two left shoes." I thought about my response for a second. I am not actually what we would call a morning person shocking, I know. I looked up at her, smiled my bitch I'll cut you sweetest smile and said, "She'll live. Let her go barefoot. Maybe tomorrow she'll pay better attention when grabbing her shoes." Apparently that was the "bad Mommy" answer.

Seriously though? She's 3 1/2. She knows how to put on her own shoes. She does it all the time. Why was she wearing two left shoes today? Because she was goofing off when everyone else was getting ready. As I stood by the door yelling that I was leaving she simply rushed to the shoe basket and grabbed what was on top. My fault? I think not. Yes, yes, yes. I'm the adult. I'm the parent. I'm supposed to make sure they're completely dressed and ready. Blah-blah-blah. Here's the deal though, I do that. But I'm not gonna chase down a 3 1/2 yr old at 7:30 in the morning when I'm already running late. She's old enough to do that little bit herself. PICKLES can put his own shoes on and be ready to go, why can't she?!

Wooooooooooo-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!!

Which reminds me. What reminds her? What the heck is she babbling about?? The woo-saaw, deep breathing...follow? Ok, yeah, so, last night I did a little yoga-esque deep breathing and stretching with the kids before bed. They L-O-V-E-D it. Totally calmed them down too. The girls went to bed without a peep! I think I'm on to something here folks. I'll be completely honest and say that Pickles was a tad more interested in tackling the cat, but still!

I consider myself the champion.

The showdown with the Pecan Street Preschool Mafia was sort of a disappointment. There were no cat fights, no hair pulling, not even a dirty look! What the hell people?! I mean seriously! I had prepped for the fight to end all fights. I kept my flip flops (despite several of you suggesting I go with spike heels, he he he) and simply instructed The Dude to make sure and wear his steel toe boots. I figured, if need be, I could slip into those bad boys and inflict massive damage. All for nothing.
I got ONE half smile from the Alpha Mom and that was it! She avoided me like I had the plague swine flu. Had she found my blog? Did she know I intended to throw down? Was she scared??!! That's what I'll tell myself, and my grandchildren in 30 yrs. I'll tell 'em that Granny looked into the eyes of perfectly manicured evil and won.

Too much?? Hush, it's my story.

We enjoyed a lovely little picnic with the Twinkies. I tried to snap a picture of them together, both smiling. I did manage to get Alpha Mom in one of the shots.

Twin A, stop drinking! I'm trying to take a picture! Twin B, what's with the "deer caught in headlights" look?

Ah, yes, finally, a half-ish, kinda weird smile from Twin A. WAIT! Twin B got bored and looked away! Crap. I give up.

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This weekend I managed to get TWO sprained ankles. The twins weren't even home all weekend (brace yourself, The Dude's parents took them to their beach house. I know, right?)! How does that happen?? I'll tell you how. One sleepy, kinda sick Mommy wearing her fashionable "new Mu-Mu" trying to navigate the stairs at 3am to fetch one sick little Pickles, THAT'S how.

My Apologies

I know I promised an update on my showdown at the preschool, but it will have to wait. I had a death in the family and I just don't feel too funny or bloggy at the moment. Hearts to all. Hug the ones you love.

Rest In Peace Aunt Joan

End Game

Today. 10:30am, central time. The Preschool Mafia and I battle it out one last time until next school year at the end of the year picnic.
I spent an entire 22 minutes getting ready this morning, versus the regular 3 minutes. I am wearing flip-flops, ya know, in case I need to kick off my shoes for a serious throwdown!! I'm even bringing The Dude for backup, as I know the Alpha Mommy demands invites her husband to these kinds of functions.
Who will emerge victorious? Who will crawl away with their tail tucked between their legs *note* I do not have an actual tail. Tune in later for all the details. Same bat channel, same bat time...errr, something like that.

Dear Cell Phone Mommy

Dearest Minivan driving, cell phone gabbing, line holding up preschool Mom,

Thank you SOOOOO much for holding up the pick-up line. I just know that phone call you were on was super-duper important, I could tell by the obnoxious cackle coming from your minivan and the way you slapped your leg. I realize paying attention to the rules of the road and life in general is simply too much for you. Don't mind the blaring horns or the teachers waving at you like mad women. I know, they do look silly waving their arms about! The nerve of some people, scolding you for continuing to yap on your phone as you barrel towards innocent preschoolers.

Don't you worry too much, the school year is almost up. By the way, if I see you again, I'm going to cut you with a shank made mostly of sporks, Popsicle sticks and cheerios. Yeah, I know how to get the most use out of that craft cubby in the classroom.

Your Friend,

Margarita Mayhem

Friends, this is a very sad day in MammaDucky-land. I threw away cookies. Not just like one cookie, like a lot. They were crap and not worth the calories. I had high hopes for these cookies. The very sound of their name sent me over the moon umm, helloooo?! Margarita and Sangria cookies?!?!?!?
My friend was looking for something cool and different to bring to this big annual Cinco Nuevo de Mayo party. She came across this recipe for these cookies with actual alcohol in them SCORE! We were both super stoked and ready for action. She bought all of the ingredients despite my protests of "but I have everything you could possibly need." Oh how I was wrong. She showed up with two different kinds of Jell-O, sea salt, and all sorts of things. Hmmmm.

At this point I'm thinking that I probably should have looked over the recipe, but we'll just go with the flow (and drink plenty of wine).

Or whatever else the recipe called for and was alcoholic.

The first night, we just mixed up the dough (yes it took us multiple nights. Dough used for cut-outs should sit in the fridge overnight, silly-heads). The margarita dough tasted super yummy, the sangria one, eh. I wrapped 'em up and popped them in the fridge.

We damn near polished off the bottle of wine. We stopped when we realized we would need more wine for the glaze...ooops.

Night two: rolled out the dough, cut the margarita glass shaped cookies and a few lime slice shaped ones (gotta be authentic people!). The Dude even helped with this part. The two of them got all into it. They started twisting the stems of the glasses and getting crazy. There were like a brazillion cookies. Seriously, like a lot.

As they cooled I glanced over the recipe for the glaze. This is the part that required Jell-O. It didn't make sense in my head and my baking senses started to tingle, wait, Jell-O never dries and it's very sticky, yet I kept right on following the recipe.

In addition to the Jell-O, it had triple sec and wine (or tequila, respectively). So after we got done glazing the cookies, we did little Jell-O shots...mistake. We barely got them down. Blegh! Moving right along. It had gotten very late at this point of course, we did stop to watch Grey's Anatomy.

My friend suggested I whip up the frosting while she finished glazing. Deal. Another "hmmmmm" moment. This recipe is for a powdered sugar glaze, more or less, not a recipe to be used to do decorative frosting. Yet, I followed the directions to the letter. STUPID! We were left with exceedingly runny, albeit tasty, alcoholic icing/glaze. We tried to pipe it onto the cookie anyway, much to our amusement.

Eeeep! It looks like there was some sort of bloody battle!

Oh yeah, forgot to add that the recipe called for the "glasses" to be rimmed *giggle* with a sugar/salt mixture. Pretty much the icing and the sugar/salt mixture dissolved into the cookie.

Needless to say, the Jell-O covered cookies were soft and VERY sticky. If I were to make these again which I won't there would be a mountain of changes I would make to this recipe.

I had a little prayer service over the trash can as I tossed these in. *sniffly, sniff* Always sad to see a cookie in the can.

P.S. My friend thought they were great and packed them up and took her half to her party. I suggested serving strong margaritas before serving our cookie versions.

This is why you're fat.

This site made me nauseous. Then it made me hungry. Then it made me wonder, "Why didn't I think of that?!" Common! Deep fried cupcakes?! Sweet heart-attack-heaven!

I love fair season!

This past weekend was our town's annual Fireman's Fair. The proceeds go to our volunteer fire department. There is tons of food, rides, and great music. It all culminates Sunday with a big parade and auction.


Pickles planting a wet one on Aunt Ali


The Dude is a member of the volunteer fire department so I didn't see much of him the whole weekend. The grand Marshall this year was my girl "Aunt Ali" 's Daddy! Yay! It is a HUGE deal! She, along with her brother and Mother got to ride on an antique fire truck in the parade, while her Daddy rode a horse. Pickles and I were allowed into the grand Marshall's viewing stand at the parade route which was super cool. All the fire company's stop in front of the viewing stand and do a little salute or skit and all the bands do a special song in front of the stands.

Pickles with Aunt Ali watching a band do a presentation for the Grand Marshall

The girls rode on a float in the parade. Unfortunately, they started to fall asleep near the end of the parade so The Dude carried them the rest of the way.

Woke up in time to wave to Mamma

So what's the big deal?

Scones. Why does that word strike fear into the heart of bakers? I had always shied away from making scones because I'd heard they were so difficult to make. Umm, what?

My Shasty pointed me to a little blog with two teenage sisters would enjoyed baking. I honestly don't remember the blog which was aggrivating because I wanted to use their recipe and I couldn't remember the name of their blog! When we chat we shoot each other different blog links non-stop. Anyway, I thought, geez, if these teenagers can do it, so can I. I sought out a basic cream scone recipe. Looked at several different and settled on a fairly bland sounding one so I could jazz it up some.

I had worked at a bakery in my late teens/early 20s and remember the scone being wildly popular with my early Saturday morning crew of upper-crust customers. We had lots of varieties from pecan to currant to blueberry. Everyone had a side of clotted cream with their scone. I don't own any clotted cream, nor did I see any at the store. What I did have was cream cheese, so I worked with what I had.
In my freezer I had a bag of frozen blueberries, so obviously my scones would have those in them. I also had 3 lovely lemons. Hmmmm, lemon and blueberry go nicely.

Sunny Blueberry Scones

2 C flour

1/4 C sugar

2 tsp. baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

1/3 C unsalted butter

1 tsp lemon extract

1/2 C whipping cream

1 large egg, beaten

zest of two lemons

Filling:

1 Cup frozen blueberries (or fresh, dur)

1 pkg cream cheese, softened

2 T granulated sugar

zest of one lemon

1 T lemon juice

Cream together filling ingredients, except for blueberries, set aside.

Sift the dry ingredients together in a large bowl. Cut in butter. Your dough should resemble a coarse meal at this point. Combine wet ingredients (I just kinda stirred them all together in my big measuring cup, so as not to dirty another dish) and add to dry mixture. Knead it all together till it forms up in a ball. Knead a few more times. Divide dough in half. On a parchment or silpat lined baking sheet, form one of the balls into a circle, about 1/2 inch thick. Place the second ball on a sheet of waxed paper and press into a slightly larger (and will obviously be thinner) circle.

Spread filling onto first circle. Sprinkle blueberries on the cream cheese mixture. Lay the larger circle on top, and peel off the waxed paper. Press around the edges to seal. Cut the filled scone circle into how ever many pieces you want to have I think I did 12. Brush with extra cream and sprinkle with sugar. Bake at 425 for 15-20 minutes.

Man were these delightful with a cup of coffee on the deck the other morning. I took half of my scones a few blocks over to my friend at work. I think they enjoyed them too. They didn't last too long anyway!

*I had no pictures of the process because I didn't know that I'd like these so well! Sorry!*

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P.S. It rained today....a lot. I actually saw a tornado forming in the sky. Scared the bejeebers out of me. We had at least 3 areas of "intense cloud rotation" over our area today. They all lined right up and passed over us. It was fun there for a while.

Here are my official rain totals for my house:

Middle of yard: water to tops of my feet

Back of property: ankle deep water. This area is a common place for my children to strip down nekkid and splash in any accumulated water.

Should I sent these official totals in to the weather channel?